Would you like to know how to help someone with an internal conflict towards someone Would you like to help someone if they feel annoyed or irritated towards someone else?
Perceptual Positions is a technique that will help you with seeing an event or situation through the other person’s eyes, or you could even say, model of the world.
- First position is looking through your own eyes and viewing the event as you.
- Second position is looking through another persons eyes (usually a significant person in the event). You become them, what they think, what do they say about this event or situation.
- Third position is observing the entire scene, including the information from the first and second position from a disassociated position. What would an objective third person say about this event or situation? After returning to the first position, the person can incorporate new learning into how they will now approach the event or situation.
At each stage of this process you focus on what you see, hear and feel. The key to success is paying attention to the information coming through your senses rather than jumping into logical thinking. The question to ask yourself, or the person you are guiding, is “What do you see, hear and feel?” as you step into each position.
This technique is especially useful when you feel annoyed with a boss or colleague and do not want to stay in that feeling. It also helps with family conflict. Seeing a situation from someone else’s perspective can bring a lot of clarity.
Here is an example from my own life. I have two little girls. At the time of writing they are two years old and four years old. During lockdown there was a lot of tension around being at home full time and my four year old not wanting to do her school work. This created conflict around listening and behaving.
I labelled the first position as me, the second position as my little girl, and the third position as the fly on the wall. Then I started the process.
First position.
From the first position I look through my own eyes and speak from my own thoughts and feelings. I might say, “I wish you would do your school work and feel excited about it.” “I wish I could make it more fun and that things would be easier.” “I want us to respect each other and argue less.” From this position I am speaking directly to my little girl from my own perspective.
Second position.
Here I step into the other person’s experience. I see the situation through her eyes and speak as if I am her. As the four year old I might say, “Mummy, school work is boring.” “Mummy, you are always working.” “Mummy, I wish you spent less time on the computer.” Many of us can relate to this, especially when working from home with children. It is normal to feel emotional during this stage. We often forget what the other person is feeling because we are wrapped up in our own emotions. From this position I focus on what she would think, say and experience. You can also do this through writing, which works well if you prefer a private and reflective approach.
Third position.
This is the fly on the wall position. I am completely detached, observing both people without taking sides. I ask myself, “What is happening in this situation?” “What can I see from the outside?” From this view I see a mum trying to work full time and care for her children. I see a child who is bored and wanting more connection. I see a mother and daughter both needing support. As a detached observer I notice the conflict and how it affects both of them.
If you are struggling with a relationship or dealing with conflict, Perceptual Positions can help you step out of your own viewpoint and look at the situation from other angles. It is a powerful tool for developing self-awareness and releasing negative emotions. If you feel stuck with something specific, you can also use this method by stepping into the perspective of someone who has already achieved what you want.
I often use this in relationship coaching. For example, if someone says, “My husband is not helping with the housework,” you can place yourself in the first position as the person who needs support, the second position as the husband, and the third position as the fly on the wall observing both.
This technique is powerful for resolving inner conflict, clearing negative feelings and improving relationships. It helps you see people in a new light, understand situations more clearly and strengthen the connections you care about.
If tools like this fascinate you and you want to learn how to coach others with confidence, our Life Coach Diploma is the perfect next step. Join us and learn the skills that transform lives, starting with your own.
